Vincent Wade, a drunk New Jersey man crashed his car into a North Philadelphia fast food restaurant on Monday morning. You'll be shocked to hear what came next.

UNCENSORED: http://us.tomonews.net/philadelphia-man-crashes-into-crown-fried-chicken-strips-and-plays-with-himself-114907

HE DID!!!

What may at first glance look like the latest leaked video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in fact footage of Pennsauken, New Jersey's own Vincent Wade about to take a load off. While the video doesn't clearly show Wade pleasuring himself, the onlooker who recorded the footage assured Philadelphia Magazine that the 34-year-old was indeed furiously whipping up some Philadelphia cream cheese.

I guess Wade wasn't quite satisfied with just ramming into a Crown Fried Chicken restaurant. Because after crashing into the chicken joint, he started choking the chicken. Wade's milkshake literally brought the boys to the yard as police quickly made their way to the scene and hauled him off to jail.

Sadly, no good deed goes unpunished. This is what he gets for helping put Mr. Kleenex's kids through college.

In any case, here's the full police report, courtesy of Philadelphia Magazine:

"On January 27, 2014, at approximately 10:30 am, police responded to 500 West Lehigh Avenue for an auto accident. Upon their arrival officers observed a vehicle on the curbside of the southwest corner of 5th & Lehigh Avenue. The male operator was seated in the driver's seat of a 2007 Silver Camry with no shirt on. The male was asked to step out of the vehicle and when he, did the male was unable to stand on his own. His clothes were torn off and he was unable to respond to police questions. Witnesses to the accident stated that the male was operating his vehicle west on Lehigh Avenue and then veered across the intersection at 5th Street and drove on to the curb hitting a fixed object. After the accident,the male operator exited the vehicle and began removing his clothing and yelling. He then attempted to d