Your palms sweat, your heart races and your mind fills up with dark thoughts. They call it the green-eyed monster for a reason—Jealousy is the worst. It can consume you, your partner and your relationship if you’re not careful. But how can you stop yourself from obsessing? How can you stop being jealous?

Hi, I’m Amy North, author of the devotion system and the text chemistry program. Today I want to talk about jealousy. What it is, where it comes from, and how to prevent it so you can stop obsessing.

First, let’s talk about what makes jealousy so toxic. Jealousy shows a lack of trust. If you can’t shake the feeling that your partner is betraying you then that means you don’t trust them. Since you can’t be around them all the time (nor should you try) this distrust will force a wedge into your relationship.

Jealousy also makes you look desperate and possessive. If you’re coming at them with unfounded accusations or even just giving them attitude when they go out with their friends, it’s going to change how they look at you. You want a relationship driven by love, not fear. In fact, in some worst cases, fostering an atmosphere of jealousy in a relationship can actually drive your partner away and into the arms of someone else, justifying all your worst fears.

So how can you combat jealousy and keep your relationship together? The answer starts with you. Here are five steps you can take.

Think before you act

If you’re watching this video, you’re aware that you have a problem with jealousy. You can counter this by being mindful and deliberate when you’re feeling jealous. This means recognizing when jealousy rears its ugly head and instead of reacting impulsively, taking a moment to consider your next move.

For example. Maybe you can’t get ahold of your boyfriend. He hasn’t texted you since last night and you’re freaking out. Instead of sending him a bunch of texts and phone calls, or preparing a big speech, or stewing in anger and burying your feelings deep down, simply wait. Remember times when you maybe didn’t text him. Were you cheating on him or were you just busy? Keep this in mind going forward and don’t let yourself spiral into jealousy. When you do decide to call or text him, remember that he hasn’t done anything wrong so give him the benefit of the doubt and keep your cool.

Get a second opinion

As with so many relationship problems, conflict comes from a difference of opinion. If you’re concerned that your boyfriend’s actions are suspicious and that your jealousy may be justified, now is the time to reach out to a third party. Talk to your friends or family. Be sure it’s someone who you know can give an impartial opinion and make sure you’re honest with them about what’s really going on. Often talking it out is enough for you to wrap your mind around it and your friend can provide helpful insight to help you find the truth. The important thing in this situation is keeping a cool head.