The Key To Keeping Things Sexy In Your Marriage
yourtango
2016-11-10
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Couples therapist and author Esther Perel discusses her book, "Mating in Captivity," which helps couples reconcile the domestic and the erotic.
[TRANSCRIPT]
Hello. I am Esther Perel. I am a couples and family therapist in New York City, the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Working with couples I realized that quite often they would come in and tell me “We love each other very much. We have no sex”. Why does great sex so often fade in couples who love each other as much as ever? Time and again, the couples that I would meet would describe to me the paradoxical relation between domesticity and eroticism. Between our need for a secure, stable, reliable relationship. We also have a need for adventure, for mystery, for novel.
And while love needs closeness. Desire needs space to thrive. I think that the distance that people needs to create rest on the ability of a couple to maintain and sense of individuality. When I ask people, “Tell me when you find yourself most drawn to your partner” their answers are internationally similar. “When I watch him or her be passionate about something”. “When I see her on stage”. “When she’s different”. “When he surprises me”. “When I see her at a party and I see how other people look at her”. They all imply looking at the other person as A separate entity at a more comfortable distance. And this person that is already so familiar is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, someone unknown and somewhat illusive. I would probably see my greatest successes from couple’s therapy don’t come from me, they come from the couples themselves. One of the ones who really stands out is a woman whose husband had struggle to eroticize her after she had had her children.
One night, ask him if she wanted to perform oral sex on him an ofcourse she was quite interested. She asked him if he wanted the regular treatment of the special. And he said of course he would rather have the special. After she pleased him, she said “Ok, now give me a hundred bucks. You know, now you will never confuse me with the mother of your children”. And it was short, to the point, witty, funny, and broke the spell. Anytime I am able to help a person open up one of those erotic blocks. I think that we are really on our way to a very different experience of life.
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Couples therapist and author Esther Perel discusses her book, "Mating in Captivity," which helps couples reconcile the domestic and the erotic.
[TRANSCRIPT]
Hello. I am Esther Perel. I am a couples and family therapist in New York City, the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Working with couples I realized that quite often they would come in and tell me “We love each other very much. We have no sex”. Why does great sex so often fade in couples who love each other as much as ever? Time and again, the couples that I would meet would describe to me the paradoxical relation between domesticity and eroticism. Between our need for a secure, stable, reliable relationship. We also have a need for adventure, for mystery, for novel.
And while love needs closeness. Desire needs space to thrive. I think that the distance that people needs to create rest on the ability of a couple to maintain and sense of individuality. When I ask people, “Tell me when you find yourself most drawn to your partner” their answers are internationally similar. “When I watch him or her be passionate about something”. “When I see her on stage”. “When she’s different”. “When he surprises me”. “When I see her at a party and I see how other people look at her”. They all imply looking at the other person as A separate entity at a more comfortable distance. And this person that is already so familiar is momentarily once again somewhat mysterious, someone unknown and somewhat illusive. I would probably see my greatest successes from couple’s therapy don’t come from me, they come from the couples themselves. One of the ones who really stands out is a woman whose husband had struggle to eroticize her after she had had her children.
One night, ask him if she wanted to perform oral sex on him an ofcourse she was quite interested. She asked him if he wanted the regular treatment of the special. And he said of course he would rather have the special. After she pleased him, she said “Ok, now give me a hundred bucks. You know, now you will never confuse me with the mother of your children”. And it was short, to the point, witty, funny, and broke the spell. Anytime I am able to help a person open up one of those erotic blocks. I think that we are really on our way to a very different experience of life.
Follow YourTango:
Web: http:yourtango.com
Facebook: http://facebook.com/yourtango
Twitter: http://twitter.com/yourtango
Photo: http://weheartit.com/entry/167491186/
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